Molding Young Minds

I want to begin this post by saying this topic is not something that I adore or abhor, it is just simply something that I find extremely amusing in my life at the moment. That being, because I am unemployed in my field right now, I am a substitute teacher. Forget the fact that I neither have a degree in teaching or want to become a teacher (thought I highly respect them), apparently if you have a bachelor's degree you are qualified to mold young minds for a day or two. Personally I know plenty of people who've managed to get bachelor's degrees that I wouldn't ask to watch my purse while I went to the bathroom let alone watch children while their teacher is sick...but no matter.

It was a relatively easy process, and fingerprinting and 70 bucks later I got a substitute teaching certificate in the mail (forgive me if I don't frame it). My first gig happened to be
at the elementary school I attended. The fact that I would voluntarily subject myself to going back shows you just how desperate I am for 1) Cash and 2) Something to break up my days of What Not to Wear television marathons and gmail chatting.

I was called in to be a physical education teacher. I guess in retrospect the fact that it's called "physical education" should be a comfort to me...especially because the words "gym" and "class" still haunt me to this day. I wasn't the most coordinated or athletically gifted child (or adult as some of you would argue), so gym was never my favorite activity. But here I was...substitute teaching for it. The phys ed teacher I was subbing for was actually there when I arrived because she had some meeting to go to later on. So she showed me around the school, which had been rebuilt since I'd been a student. It was a whole new type of mind-fuck to see all my elementary school teachers and hear them say with giddy delight "You're back!!" Awesome. "I didn't know you went into education." I didn't. "You like being home huh?" I don't.

The first wave of kids came in the building and let me say I was not prepared for how little they were or how disgusting they were either. I don't know about you...but when I was in 4th, 5th, and 6th grade I pretty much thought I was the grown-up-kid-shit. But these kids were the closest thing to infants I'd seen in awhile, and I realized how delusional I'd been in the early 90's. I was given directions on what to do with each class, and lucky for me I got to have every single grade that day. The best piece of advice my former gym teacher left me with was "Don't put your coat near theirs. They all have lice."

I began my day with some pretty amiable kids and it only got better as I made my way towards lunch. Meaning I started the day with 3rd graders and moved up to 6th graders who were all well-behaved. The worst things that happened before lunch were that I had to teach them how to do the electric slide (haha..I know..laugh it up but they were making their way through a dancing unit ok??) and that a girl got nailed in the head with a dodge ball (OMG such an epic moment...I had to use every professional bone in my body not to bust out laughing and say "Shit girl you just got schooled!!") Oh...I also laid into a kid for yelling "Give me the ball back faggot!" You can imagine how well he and I got along after that. I'm sure I'll forever be known as "That bitch gym sub."

Then after lunch the dark clouds gathered and all hell broke loose. Before the end of the day I would have kindergarden though 2nd grade. You may wonder why this would be so bad...aren't they cute? say funny things? listen to you with rapt attention? No. They are little devil spawn. Dirty devil spawn. I'm so serious, some of them looked like they just came from a particularly rowdy Nascar race. It really didn't help either that when their teachers dropped them off they said things like "I want to hear a good report from Miss White!" , whispered to me "Good luck. You'll need it" then darted off to 40 minutes of peace in the teacher's lounge. Bitches.

I can't describe to you in words how they tattled on each other, screamed insults, and whined and cried. Every other second a little tear-streaked face was telling me that someone had hit/pushed/tripped/strangled/yelled at/breathed on them. I've never seen so many injuries either...many of which I was told would render them incapable of ever playing in gym class again (along with some funny kids who were bent out of shape over chapped lips). One little kindergardener even ran up to me with her hand over her mouth and muttered something. Stupidly I said "Take your hand off your mouth and say that again." She then said "I puked in my mouth." Yes. True story. Then after I sent her to the bathroom she came back and told me she had thrown up again and it was yellow. Thanks kid. They also seemed to think that the water supply in NW Ohio was perilously in danger of running out because they asked for water fountain breaks like it was a precious commodity. Many also seemed to think that they actually had to suck the water out of the tap because I can't count how many times I said "Please don't put your mouths on the water fountain."

I also had the pleasure of being recess and lunch monitor during my free periods. Just some observations:
-Kids don't use tissues. Instead they use scarves, coat sleeves, gloves, or simply just let their snot run out of their noses (I know that's revolting...but I saw at least a dozen kids in that situation so just bear with me).
-Someone needs to come up with a better outerwear deal for kids. First of all...they can't zip coats. It's just a fact. And all children's gloves should be mittens because they just can't put fingers into normal gloves...and neither can I.
-Being a teacher (at least for me) is all about "Do as I say, not as I do." I repremanded so many of the older kids for swearing, which is honestly so ironic to me, especially because my first inclination was to say "Hey shitheads! Watch your damn mouths in here! This is a fucking elementary school!" I also had to prevent two little boys from a chocolate milk chugging race, which I felt awfully bad about since chugging a beverage is often the highlight of my Friday nights.
-Whilst checking on preschoolers who were dawdling in the boy's restrooms I had possibly the cutest/awkward experience with two 3 year olds. They were both at urinals and one turned to the other and said "Hey..mine's bigger than yours!! Look Miss White! Mine's bigger!" To which I said "It's not how big it is, it's how you use it".......Ok..I'm totally just kidding. I definetly did not say that. But it was again a time I had to use all my professionalism to not laugh and say "Hurry up boys and wash your hands when you're done."

Anyhow, that's been my experience so far as a sub. I'm sure I'll have more tales as my tenure continues...especially when I sub at my dad's high school this Friday. Lunch with Mr. White in the cafeteria? Sweet.