Go Croc Yourself

I decided to start with this VERY controversial fashion piece for a myriad of reasons. One of my good friends hates Crocs so vehemently that she won’t touch them. I truly believe they make her physically ill. I think footwear that repulses someone that much really deserves a closer look. So I’ll start from the beginning. The first time I was introduced to Crocs (advertised as foot ergonomic, anti-microbial aka stank resistant, extremely comfortable, available in veritable rainbow of colors) was strange because they were the knock-off Payless Brand. One of my college roommates got a pair to wear around the dorm. I tried them on several times and found them to be like walking on that Nickelodeon Floam shit that my mom refused to buy me back in the 90’s. To me they looked like a bloated garden clog with holes to drain out sweat…or whatever other liquid your feet may happen to produce. I really had no qualms about them because I thought they were, for lack of a better term, what my grandma used to call “houseshoes.” You wear them around to do chores, maybe out in the garden, and to do various other household activities I generally avoid. I’d also heard that they were popular amongst medical staff because if you got blood or shit or vomit on them you could just spray them off. Nice thought.

I really didn’t think much about the real Crocs (which I saw soon after) or the knock-offs. I went to a relatively fashion-obsessed university (much, much more on that later) and they weren’t really cropping up. But during the summer of 04 my whole footwear world turned upside down. I visited France with a school group, tour-ish thing. *Side note: My four word sage advice on one of those all inclusive tour packages: DON’T FUCKING DO IT. Unless you too want to be involved in high school drama/whining and be drug kicking and screaming to every castle in Northern France without a piss break. The best part of our trip was dining, drinking, and dancing to techno at a winery. But even then they didn’t supply us with enough wine to do any damage. I know I probably sound like a spoiled little bitch right now. But for as much as I paid for the trip…I frankly expected a little more independence. But whatever. Moving on* Apparently, flip-flops are not really a casual footwear staple in France. So when we wore them our tour guide Claudio said “Dey all know dat you ahre A-mEHR-icans.” In our defense we were wearing very nice flips which verged on dressy sandal… whateves. We were fashion douche bags…dually noted. But after being berated for what I was wearing, I was HORRIFIED to see that one faction of our group, some very nice folk from Missourah (their pronunciation…not mine), were wearing fuckin’ Crocs. In fuckin’ Paris, France. These things, which I’d convinced myself to be houseshoes, were being worn in public. And not just any old public…Paris, fucking France…the capital of fashion and European-ness. And to make it worse, they wore them with white socks. Yeah…I’ll let you think about that for awhile. Get it good and ingrained in your memory.

This moment in time was the beginning of my hatred of Crocs. Like I said before…I could honestly care less if you are in the medical profession or are at home/in a botanical garden while wearing them. That’s an acceptable time and place. And if you are a child and you want to collect the little charm things to put in the sweat holes…be my guest. I wore jellies once upon a time so who am I to judge a kid who likes brightly colored plastic footwear. But honestly, if you are above 10 just give it up. I understand that they are comfortable, but so are sports bras and you don’t see me wearing those all over creation do you? I also hear that they are anti-microbial but let me tell you something. I’ve funked up my share of shoes by not wearing socks with them, my bad. But you know what, I did the honorable thing and threw them away. I didn’t elect to buy the shoe equivalent of an animal pen, and when things got a little murky, just spray them off with a high pressure hose.

In researching Crocs (yes I actually do research when I write this blog) I found that there are many sites whose sole mission (haha…sole mission) is to bad-mouth these shoes. Apparently too, the people who seek out these websites are Croc-lovers who leave messages like “Fuck u asshole…don’t u have ne thing better 2 do than bash Crocs? I <3>

But honestly let’s all have a heart to heart. I’ve pretty much made it clear when I feel Crocs are acceptable…and then in all other circumstances they make me kinda physically nauseous as well. If you like/love/want to give all your worldly possessions to the Crocs empire…that is fine. We live in America and along with the right to be fashion douche bags you have the right to your own opinion and the expression of that opinion. But so do I. And don’t be surprised if I (or my Crocs hatin’ friend) encounter you on the street and projectile vomit on your shoes. I’ll be kind and spray them off with a garden hose because…come on…that’s why you wear them right?

A big "I Don't" to Crocs