H-Ugg it out, Bitch

After my last assault on footwear you probably don’t want to even hear what I’ve got to say about Uggs. If that’s so…there’s a red button in the upper right corner of this screen that you’re welcome to click. Haha…that was uber-bitchy. Sorry. Please keep reading. It’s not all bad.

But anyways, Uggs aka the fall/winter Crocs. I think every season should have a token pair of intolerable shoes and Uggs shall be that for the colder ones. I’ll start again with the first time I came into contact with Uggs. And lemme tell you…this one is weird. I believe it was Christmas 1996 when these fuzzy, soft leather sexy thangs came into our household. My uncle bought them for each of his brothers (one of those bros being my dad) because he had heard about them from one of his clients and thought they were cool because they were made in Australia by sheep herders or something. Middle-aged men. What can you say? I had never heard of them before this point, but did my dad ever like them. He wore them, as I mentioned before, as “houseshoes.” So my first memory of this shoe staple was seeing my dad trudge out into the snow in Uggs, boxer shorts, and a robe to take out the trash. Real, real fashion forward.

I would randomly put them on as well because they were so soft inside (as Michael Ian Black says on I Love the New Millennium “It’s like sticking your foot into a lamb”). I didn’t really think much of these boots for some time until I went to that fashion obsessed university I mentioned before. To set the scene I’ll just say that this school, in terms of average parental wealth, was a bit out of my league. I got in just fine based upon ACT scores and my GPA…but if I had been trying to get in on Daddy’s good word/dollar (as I assume some did) I would not have made it. The way kids dressed baffled me from day one and never ceased to baffle me until I graduated four years later. I think Uggs crept in my first fall/winter there and didn’t stop (I’m sure it’s still happening now).

First off, based upon my past experiences with Uggs…they just weren’t cool. And I’d have to say that if you were to see your dad traipsing around in them you wouldn’t think they were all that hot either.

Secondly, I had much the same feelings about Uggs as I do with Crocs. There is a time and place for them. With a decent pant in cold weather they are perfectly acceptable in my eyes. But I’ll never forget when girls began wearing them with jean skirts and a skanky ribbed tank...in summer. I don’t even WANT to think what their foot sweat was doing to that poor lamb wool lining. But I’d have to say my favorite look (which I hear is being replicated on college campuses all over the nation) is what my sister and I call the “OMG…I just got outta bed in time for Stats.” A girl throws on a pair of tiny shorts with her respective university stamped across the ass. Then she chooses a Gamma Delta Tri Zeta Beta t-shirt which advertises some “A-mazing” activity she and her “sisters” participated in. Then said gal mashes her hair into a messy bun which is supposed to look like she just did it in 2 seconds (like I do), but in reality it took her 10 minutes to get the appropriate bed-head chic look. After the first layer is appropriately in place she finishes with a North Face fleece (black is preferred…although light pastel colors are a close second) and then our subject footwear, Uggs. She also probably takes along her Vera Bradley bag but I’ve got so much pent-up rage focused on those things that I can’t even go there right now (but don’t you worry…it’s so coming). I can’t even tell you how many girls I would see fitting the “OMG…I just got outta bed in time for Stats” look when I was at school. It was painfully obvious that these girls did not in fact “just get outta bed,” and that they should at least use that prep time for a more put together look. Personally I did indeed “just get outta bed” and it was blatantly clear. I perfected the sweat wear look…but hey I was in a collegiate sport (and valued my sleep more than impressing some douche bag guy in my Stats class) so lay off me k? Anyways back to Uggs.
As time went on this fad continued and continued and continued. I even fell somewhat prey to it when I borrowed a pair of my sister’s fuzzy boots (they weren’t Uggs and they were a lot cuter, but I guess it still is in the same genre). And you know what? They are comfortable and somewhat freeing. I felt like I was a young, svelte woman named Natasha living in cold, Communist Moscow who, although under such a strict regime, looked arctic-fabulous daily.

So what are my true thoughts? Again, in my opinion Uggs are acceptable with a) the proper pant and b) the proper cold season. It’s also important that people who wear them understand that you really aren’t “hot shit.” If you don’t believe me I cordially invite to you my parents quaint country home. You can go on our back porch and witness what a grown man’s 13 year-old Uggs look like…and then, if you can stomach it, you can watch him take out the trash in those boots and a plaid, old man robe. Enjoy.