“Sometimes You Wanna Go Where Everybody Knows Your Name”

Its not really a secret to those who know me…but I like the sauce. Devil’s brew. Firewater. You get the picture. And surprisingly enough I didn’t start really drinking until I was 21 (gasp…whaaat??) It’s true. But by then I was on a rugby team and my days of sobriety faded into the sunset. One of the benefits of not drinking until I was legally allowed was that I didn’t get an underage intox in college and I didn’t have to hide in a dorm room playing beer pong on a closet door. I got to saunter right up to the bar and stagger out 4 hours later. Bars hold a special place in my heart, most likely because I’ve been to quite a few and I try to find the beauty in each. I enjoy a fancy martini bar where the drinks are served by tenders in all black attire. I like the douchey sports bars where beefy frat guys shout at the flat screens and order wings and loaded potato skins with their pitchers. I adore gay bars where I’m referred to as “girl” or “sweetie” and am complimented on my “gorgeous pashmina scarf.” And I also love Irish Bars where it’s imperative you know the proper way to pour a Guinness and to give the toast “Slainte.” (It don’t rhyme with “ain’t”). But of all my bar boyfriends whom I’ve loved, I have given my heart to my one and only. The Dive Bar. In memory of my hometown’s dive bar which recently closed, I dedicate this post to “The Red Owl Inn.”

My first exposure to what I would come to think of as a Dive Bar was from my one of my parent’s favorite shows “Cheers.” You could argue that Cheers is not a Dive Bar…and you may be right. But I classify it such because of the feeling I get from it. Like the theme song says “Wouldn’t you like to get away…sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name. And they’re always glad you came.” Who wouldn’t want to go to a place like that? When I got a little older my dad would take my sister and I to a Dive Bar after work with him (it was a restaurant too…don’t shit your pants). It was called Dewey’s and they had pizza and video games. Like a Chuckie Cheese…with beer. (Sounds like heaven huh?) These bars began to ironically feel safe to me. The sounds of laughter and classic rock. The gentle yet sarcastic jabs from the bartenders to their clientele. These were working class people sitting down for a beer, enjoying time with friends. What could be better?

When I got to college, the Dive Bars were significantly scaled back with preferences towards the clubby type atmosphere where dancing resembled sex and over-priced drinks were served by scantily clad women. There were a few bars I enjoyed more than others and they generally involved cozy venues where the restrooms weren’t filled with sweaty cry-barfing girls, with well-meaning friends saying “He’s an ASS-hole Stephanie. You’re too good for him!”
When I got to graduate school, after a long exhaustive search I found my favorite Dive Bar, which has still not been surpassed. Its name: The Bier Stube. The Bier Stube was a Dive Bar at its finest. The floor was perpetually sticky. They had two dart boards. The juke box specialized in classic rock. You left your tips in a bucket. There was shag carpet stapled to the table legs. And the piece de resistance…they sold beer to go. Yes. The night doesn’t have to end at 2:30 suckas! All in all the Bier Stube was pretty disgusting, and amazing. And ironically enough, when I went to Germany there was a bar in Dresden called the Stube which was amazing as well. (Germany /Beer/Stubes deserve their own post…mostly because of Beer Gardens and liter drinks…and French fries served with mayonnaise dressing. I’m tearing up right now thinking of it.)

So to really understand what a Dive Bar is (in my opinion only mind you), I believe that a bar must have at minimum 5 of these characteristics. Well at least these are the reasons I like Dive Bars.

1) It has to have a cool name
Case in point: The Library in Columbus, Ohio. When someone asks where you’re going, you say “The Library.” You aren’t lying. And you don’t look like an alcoholic by going to a bar at 2 pm on a Tuesday. It has to be a welcoming name that makes you feel like you belong. Sure it’s fun to go to a bar named Club Morocco or Stratosphere Lounge or whatnot…but that is not a Dive Bar name. Some of my favorites over the years: Lottie Moons, Mac and Joe’s, The Thirsty Scholar, Lucky’s, Out R Inn, Surly Girl, Brat Haus, Nate and Wally’s, Zamakazi’s. You get the picture.

2) Beer, Beer, Beer
You’ve gotta serve beer. If you have liquor based drinks as well, all the better. But beer should and must be the center of your drink menu or you cannot be a Dive Bar. It’s best if you offer pitcher specials and if your bartenders know how to do a proper pour, either from the tap or other container. If there’s anything I hate more it’s waiting for 2 inches of head to dissipate (That’s what she said). Also. You are no friend of mine if you don’t have Pilsner glasses. You know, the thick glasses that don’t (normally) shatter if you drop them off the bar (or karaoke stage). Which brings me to….

3) Music
I’ll admit I love techno, fabulous electronic dance music. I already said I like gay bars didn’t I? But to really feel comfortable and enjoy my drinking experience I want to hear some classic rock. Eighties hits are ok too. I mean tell me you wouldn’t enjoy hearing somebody butcher “Wake me up before you Go-Go.” Wham! on a karaoke machine=nothing better. But I love hearing the Stones (Beast of Burden!) or Led Zeppelin (Street Corner Girl!). And everybody has a great time with Piano Man, Sweet Caroline, and Don’t Stop Believin’.

4) Sports and Entertainment
One of my good friends is pretty antsy…or maybe just ADD I dunno. But one of the requirements when bar choosing , and of a good bar, is “What is our drinking activity?” I personally enjoy drinking while watching sports or movies or just talking. But this friend had to be doing something, which soon wore off on me. Our favorite pastime is darts and my dad goes ape for a pool table. We would often move onto those bar-top video games, most notably Erotic Photohunt. (“Is his ass cheek different in the left picture?”) I’ve also seen a drunken friend dominate at Pac Man. It was pretty epic. In the warmer months we would play Cornhole and Hillbilly Golf (lovingly called “Testical Toss”) and we always had a great time with classic drinking games like Flip Cup and the quintessential Beer Pong.

5) Bartenders
I don’t want to be hatey, but a lot of bartenders are lacking in their barside manner. Maybe it’s because they’re busy or don’t really have a love for the craft but I just don’t like if you’re bitchy or flat out ignore me. I understand it can be a rough job, especially when annoying drunks can’t pronounce the beer they want or sign their credit card receipt. But if you show a little grace and spunk when bartending I will, guaranteed, leave you a huge tip for facilitating my drinking.

6) Dress Code
You aren’t allowed to have one. Except the blatantly obvious No Shirt No Shoes No Service (my grandpa used to add “No Shit” at the end of that phrase just to show its “Duh” factor). But I don’t want to have to dress up in my finest attire to go have a beer. Anyplace that embraces me in tennis shoes and a hoodie is perfect in my book. Every time I go out with friends it doesn’t mean I’m looking to impress a guy…so don’t give me that look biatch. I’m just here to have fun.

7)Restrooms
I’m a bit of a freak when it comes to hand washing and cleanliness. But I’ll make a smallish exception for a Dive Bar. Your bathrooms have to verge on gross. I shouldn’t want to sit directly on the toilet (and I never do). And if your men’s urinals resemble a latrine trough…all the better. Guys like peeing in odd places anyway. But under no circumstances should you forgo soap. I draw the line there. Especially since the onslaught of the Swine. Gag. Moving on.

8) Décor
What can I say…you can’t have padded couches with throw pillows at a Dive Bar. No sir. Booths, tables, chairs, and barstools are allowed. I also enjoy old beer posters and neon lights. For some reason St. Pauli Girl and Pabst Blue Ribbon signs seem to fit in dive bars. Anything vintage that has to do with sports is also cool. And if you let your clientele write on the walls…BONUS! My friend and I once wrote “Jew vs. Gentile” on a dart scoring chalk board just to see how long it would stay up there.

9) Emotional Attachments
This may seem silly and girlish (Well…I am a girl), but if a place is a Dive Bar to you, you should have some sort of emotional attachment to it. All the Dive Bars I like have that quirky, special feeling to them, the feeling that if someone insults it I’ll fight them to the death. “Did I just hear you diss on Spanky’s? Oh no you did-int!” And most important of all you should feel at home when you enter your favorite Dive Bar. Just like the Cheers theme song says “Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go, Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same. You wanna go where everybody knows your name.”