H-Ugg it out, Bitch

After my last assault on footwear you probably don’t want to even hear what I’ve got to say about Uggs. If that’s so…there’s a red button in the upper right corner of this screen that you’re welcome to click. Haha…that was uber-bitchy. Sorry. Please keep reading. It’s not all bad.

But anyways, Uggs aka the fall/winter Crocs. I think every season should have a token pair of intolerable shoes and Uggs shall be that for the colder ones. I’ll start again with the first time I came into contact with Uggs. And lemme tell you…this one is weird. I believe it was Christmas 1996 when these fuzzy, soft leather sexy thangs came into our household. My uncle bought them for each of his brothers (one of those bros being my dad) because he had heard about them from one of his clients and thought they were cool because they were made in Australia by sheep herders or something. Middle-aged men. What can you say? I had never heard of them before this point, but did my dad ever like them. He wore them, as I mentioned before, as “houseshoes.” So my first memory of this shoe staple was seeing my dad trudge out into the snow in Uggs, boxer shorts, and a robe to take out the trash. Real, real fashion forward.

I would randomly put them on as well because they were so soft inside (as Michael Ian Black says on I Love the New Millennium “It’s like sticking your foot into a lamb”). I didn’t really think much of these boots for some time until I went to that fashion obsessed university I mentioned before. To set the scene I’ll just say that this school, in terms of average parental wealth, was a bit out of my league. I got in just fine based upon ACT scores and my GPA…but if I had been trying to get in on Daddy’s good word/dollar (as I assume some did) I would not have made it. The way kids dressed baffled me from day one and never ceased to baffle me until I graduated four years later. I think Uggs crept in my first fall/winter there and didn’t stop (I’m sure it’s still happening now).

First off, based upon my past experiences with Uggs…they just weren’t cool. And I’d have to say that if you were to see your dad traipsing around in them you wouldn’t think they were all that hot either.

Secondly, I had much the same feelings about Uggs as I do with Crocs. There is a time and place for them. With a decent pant in cold weather they are perfectly acceptable in my eyes. But I’ll never forget when girls began wearing them with jean skirts and a skanky ribbed tank...in summer. I don’t even WANT to think what their foot sweat was doing to that poor lamb wool lining. But I’d have to say my favorite look (which I hear is being replicated on college campuses all over the nation) is what my sister and I call the “OMG…I just got outta bed in time for Stats.” A girl throws on a pair of tiny shorts with her respective university stamped across the ass. Then she chooses a Gamma Delta Tri Zeta Beta t-shirt which advertises some “A-mazing” activity she and her “sisters” participated in. Then said gal mashes her hair into a messy bun which is supposed to look like she just did it in 2 seconds (like I do), but in reality it took her 10 minutes to get the appropriate bed-head chic look. After the first layer is appropriately in place she finishes with a North Face fleece (black is preferred…although light pastel colors are a close second) and then our subject footwear, Uggs. She also probably takes along her Vera Bradley bag but I’ve got so much pent-up rage focused on those things that I can’t even go there right now (but don’t you worry…it’s so coming). I can’t even tell you how many girls I would see fitting the “OMG…I just got outta bed in time for Stats” look when I was at school. It was painfully obvious that these girls did not in fact “just get outta bed,” and that they should at least use that prep time for a more put together look. Personally I did indeed “just get outta bed” and it was blatantly clear. I perfected the sweat wear look…but hey I was in a collegiate sport (and valued my sleep more than impressing some douche bag guy in my Stats class) so lay off me k? Anyways back to Uggs.
As time went on this fad continued and continued and continued. I even fell somewhat prey to it when I borrowed a pair of my sister’s fuzzy boots (they weren’t Uggs and they were a lot cuter, but I guess it still is in the same genre). And you know what? They are comfortable and somewhat freeing. I felt like I was a young, svelte woman named Natasha living in cold, Communist Moscow who, although under such a strict regime, looked arctic-fabulous daily.

So what are my true thoughts? Again, in my opinion Uggs are acceptable with a) the proper pant and b) the proper cold season. It’s also important that people who wear them understand that you really aren’t “hot shit.” If you don’t believe me I cordially invite to you my parents quaint country home. You can go on our back porch and witness what a grown man’s 13 year-old Uggs look like…and then, if you can stomach it, you can watch him take out the trash in those boots and a plaid, old man robe. Enjoy.

Go Croc Yourself

I decided to start with this VERY controversial fashion piece for a myriad of reasons. One of my good friends hates Crocs so vehemently that she won’t touch them. I truly believe they make her physically ill. I think footwear that repulses someone that much really deserves a closer look. So I’ll start from the beginning. The first time I was introduced to Crocs (advertised as foot ergonomic, anti-microbial aka stank resistant, extremely comfortable, available in veritable rainbow of colors) was strange because they were the knock-off Payless Brand. One of my college roommates got a pair to wear around the dorm. I tried them on several times and found them to be like walking on that Nickelodeon Floam shit that my mom refused to buy me back in the 90’s. To me they looked like a bloated garden clog with holes to drain out sweat…or whatever other liquid your feet may happen to produce. I really had no qualms about them because I thought they were, for lack of a better term, what my grandma used to call “houseshoes.” You wear them around to do chores, maybe out in the garden, and to do various other household activities I generally avoid. I’d also heard that they were popular amongst medical staff because if you got blood or shit or vomit on them you could just spray them off. Nice thought.

I really didn’t think much about the real Crocs (which I saw soon after) or the knock-offs. I went to a relatively fashion-obsessed university (much, much more on that later) and they weren’t really cropping up. But during the summer of 04 my whole footwear world turned upside down. I visited France with a school group, tour-ish thing. *Side note: My four word sage advice on one of those all inclusive tour packages: DON’T FUCKING DO IT. Unless you too want to be involved in high school drama/whining and be drug kicking and screaming to every castle in Northern France without a piss break. The best part of our trip was dining, drinking, and dancing to techno at a winery. But even then they didn’t supply us with enough wine to do any damage. I know I probably sound like a spoiled little bitch right now. But for as much as I paid for the trip…I frankly expected a little more independence. But whatever. Moving on* Apparently, flip-flops are not really a casual footwear staple in France. So when we wore them our tour guide Claudio said “Dey all know dat you ahre A-mEHR-icans.” In our defense we were wearing very nice flips which verged on dressy sandal… whateves. We were fashion douche bags…dually noted. But after being berated for what I was wearing, I was HORRIFIED to see that one faction of our group, some very nice folk from Missourah (their pronunciation…not mine), were wearing fuckin’ Crocs. In fuckin’ Paris, France. These things, which I’d convinced myself to be houseshoes, were being worn in public. And not just any old public…Paris, fucking France…the capital of fashion and European-ness. And to make it worse, they wore them with white socks. Yeah…I’ll let you think about that for awhile. Get it good and ingrained in your memory.

This moment in time was the beginning of my hatred of Crocs. Like I said before…I could honestly care less if you are in the medical profession or are at home/in a botanical garden while wearing them. That’s an acceptable time and place. And if you are a child and you want to collect the little charm things to put in the sweat holes…be my guest. I wore jellies once upon a time so who am I to judge a kid who likes brightly colored plastic footwear. But honestly, if you are above 10 just give it up. I understand that they are comfortable, but so are sports bras and you don’t see me wearing those all over creation do you? I also hear that they are anti-microbial but let me tell you something. I’ve funked up my share of shoes by not wearing socks with them, my bad. But you know what, I did the honorable thing and threw them away. I didn’t elect to buy the shoe equivalent of an animal pen, and when things got a little murky, just spray them off with a high pressure hose.

In researching Crocs (yes I actually do research when I write this blog) I found that there are many sites whose sole mission (haha…sole mission) is to bad-mouth these shoes. Apparently too, the people who seek out these websites are Croc-lovers who leave messages like “Fuck u asshole…don’t u have ne thing better 2 do than bash Crocs? I <3>

But honestly let’s all have a heart to heart. I’ve pretty much made it clear when I feel Crocs are acceptable…and then in all other circumstances they make me kinda physically nauseous as well. If you like/love/want to give all your worldly possessions to the Crocs empire…that is fine. We live in America and along with the right to be fashion douche bags you have the right to your own opinion and the expression of that opinion. But so do I. And don’t be surprised if I (or my Crocs hatin’ friend) encounter you on the street and projectile vomit on your shoes. I’ll be kind and spray them off with a garden hose because…come on…that’s why you wear them right?

A big "I Don't" to Crocs

It’s been such a long time….it’s been such a loooong time

It has been quite awhile since I last posted on my blog. Blame it on my laziness (which is at astoundingly high levels as of late) or that the last month has been a drunken roller coaster of birthdays and spring break festivities. Whatever you choose to believe I am back and I will attempt to write more often because it really is a huge emotional and creative release for me. And because I hope you find my writing minutely entertaining (or at the very least not mind-numbingly dull), I’ll keep posting as many useless thoughts as I can muster.

I’ve decided that a new series of posts will revolve around fashion. This may seem like a curious direction for my blog to veer in, especially since previous posts have been decidedly more forcible in nature. Don’t worry, I’m not going to abandon my penchant for foul language and snarky comments…these posts will concern fashion that I either hate, love, or am whole-heartedly confused about. And if you’re reading this and thinking “Girl…I’ve seen your closet. You aren’t an expert on fashion trends,” I invite you to shut the hell up and/or kiss my ass. Just kidding. But seriously plenty of people talk about things of which they have no clue (ex. Sarah Palin and foreign policy/geography/mainland America…just sayin’). So heretofore I will be the Sarah Palin of fashion. You can disagree with me and say my opinions are ludicrous, but honestly the last time I checked not THAT many people read my blog so I’m not going to be influencing the minds of the greater public.